remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
