I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
