p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
