stop calling my apartment porn island.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I think I sprained my soul last night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
