So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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