dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
