What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
