dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
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He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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