apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
