I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There r osticjed everywhere
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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