party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
