What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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