Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I looked at my own cervix.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
