so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
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Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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