So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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