I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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