Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize