I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
