I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
