Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.