I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing