Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
