Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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