Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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