Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
