saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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