Got a toothbrush?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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