At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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