Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
