I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
