i jhust puked up my retainher.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
