where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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