Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
