Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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