Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
