phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
