Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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