I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
