I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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