I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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