This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
