also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
