What did we do last night that was yellow?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
