The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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