lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
