I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
A bitchslap is in order.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
