Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
