Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
