What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
