a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
my penis made a compromise with my morals
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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