my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
