he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
