make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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