i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
