I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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