Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
