OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
